GutFuck?

Of taking a cup of coffee that is.
But then I posted an FB update (actually just a link, but wtf) and was told by my friend to troll some Nazis on my own status update. (Which I gladly did, because hey, I get to troll someone!) One of my other friends thought it was stupid of this friend to post a link to a Nazi page on MY status update…
And a flamewar started.
I’ve been laughing so much and so hard that I don’t even need coffee anymore. I’m good now. This is… ah… Ohhh my friends are the best, especially when they don’t know and hate each other ^^ Having several friend circles is kickass.

And I’m lucky to have so many awesome people around! :D 

(Now they have resorted to calling each other cute things, like “You’re so adorable” “Well, you’re a goldfish”) Ahh <3

And if any of you three see this, fuck you, it was my status, I’m allowed to screencap it and put it EVERYWHERE if I want to ^^ But it’s a rather long conversation, so I won’t screencap it, because I’m lazy.

I always use to think it’s the little things that makes the days worth while. And I remember one of those days very well.
I was very down and depressed, and somehow my friends had managed to take me out to town, trying to cheer me up.

We ended up at a cafe right by the canal and I ordered an Irish Latte, the barista saw that I was sulking and that I didn’t look so good. It took a while for the latte to be done, because she was doing something extra. A little smiley face.

She was new there and probably hadn’t poured many cups of coffee in her career, yet she took her time to cheer me up with this simple act.
Needless to say, I was cheered up, not thanks to my friends. But thanks to that barista that just happened to be a little more perceptive than others. 

How to hide in plain sight (And steal things right under 
peoples nose)

Alright, so we know stealing is wrong, but hiding isn’t. And if you’re good at hiding, you’re probably good at stealing things, too.
Here’s how to do both.
On my way home one day I saw three confident -hobos- men dressed in jumpsuits from a city cleaner corporation. They were casually sawing off bike locks from a few bikes. Now here in town we trust each other… most of people trust one another… So what went through everyone’s minds were probably “Oh, they’re finally removing those old bikes someone left there years ago”. Because that’s how stupid they are and how faithful in their surroundings they’ve become while living in a clean dumpster.
Well, everything went on just fine for the three -hobos- men UNTIL!

UNTIL!

The owner of one of the bikes came rushing out screaming to them in a language I can only call “Idiocy”. (Because that’s what we speak here) That’s when people started realizing that the men were NOT workers with the city cleaning department, but actually thieves who had gotten hold of a saw and some confidence.
That’s all you need!
As long as you look professional, you can take EVERYTHING you would want. A splendid example is this guy who apparently “Worked” at the Bristol Zoo parking lot taking parking fees from unsuspecting visitors. Now, the Zoo was all with it since public parking lots do require a parking attendant like this… just go read the story, I’m not explaining more.
So anyways, this guy was as brilliant as the three -hobos- men who stole bikes in plain sight. What smarter thing is there to do, really? As long as you have the confidence and look proffessional, you can do whatever you want.
And I mean it. 

I could go in to IKEA with the typical IKEA clothes and people wouldn’t be the wiser that I’m actually just a thief. So there I could go “Clearing the storage”. And since IKEA warehouses are huge the personnell often work in groups, so the workers wouldn’t think much of it either. So there I am, knowing that I’m not stealing, just lightening their hands up a bit, and I can go on my merry way in life without anyone suspecting anything.

Unless the mannager comes.

Then I’d be in trouble.

Another way to hide in plain sight is to simply not look suspicious. If you’ve done something criminal and you’re on a wanted list, a very simple thing who fool people is to color and/or cut your hair. Why does this work? There are several reasons.
Depending on where in the world you are, people look at different parts of you to recognize you. In Asia, apparently they stare at your nose, while in the western world they look at your eyes, but what we all have in common is that we judge your hair. I had ridiculously long, blonde hair once. I cut half of it off and colored it black, NO one… I mean NO ONE recognized me until I told them it was ME. 
Why is it like this? Well, first reason is that human kind is an awfully judgmental race. The other is that if you are metro sexist, hair is one of the most important things to lay your eyes on, if a person can’t take care of their hair, then they’re nothing to have, right? That IS how most people think, no matter you want to realize it or not, a good hairstyle is almost vital for the partner selection.
It’s like with how well groomed birds are. Birds tend to chose the loudest and most well groomed partner since that shows they can take care of themselves. Cats and even deer do the same.
The bigger and more complex a deer’s horn are, the more attractive. (And on a side note knowing that, SIZE MATTERS)
Now that you’ve got a new hairstyle and perhaps a new hair color, it’s time for something radical.
If you want to be sure you’re hiding in plain sight. Just look as normal as possible.
Not too normal though, because that becomes un-normal! Change your pose and posture, add a smile, put on some makeup, shave… yeah.
Changing your appearance is such an underappreciated thing to do. Because it really does fool people.
But what’s more is…

People recognie you on your “aura”
If you are a nervous and/or catious person, people sense that by becoming a little uncomfortable or nervous themselves.
You are more likely to do something stupid in the company of an impulsive person than with a controlled person.
Now, changing your “aura” isn’t nearly as easy as changing clothes or cutting your hair. but it CAN be done.
It’s easier to change from tough guy to puny little loser than the other way around though. What you need to do is pretend. 
Once you’re the master of illusion, you can go on a rampage living your life to the fullest. 
To really change your aura you can do things you normally wouldn’t. If you’re impulsive, sit down and PLAN a whole day, you’ll probably feel strained and restless, but it’s training and it needs to be done (if you want it, that is)
While if you’re a sort of person who plans everything, do something spontaneous, like just decide to bungee-jump all of a sudden.

Now I will give something away about myself.
While growing up I completely changed the person I was. (You kinda live what you learn, right?) Some year ago I was careful, quiet, held back and very, very kind.
Now I’m a douchebag who shoves his fist up your arse if you say anything disagreeable. I can still be kind if I want to, but to be honest, I think it’s boring to be kind. 
I used to be trampled on because I was so quiet and nice, now none of my “bullies” recognizes me because my “aura” had changed and with it my posture and even facial expressions. 

Give it a try! If you need to hide, cutting your hair is the easiest and still one of the most effiecent ways to do it. And if you change your personality and “aura” you’ll become almost inrecognizable. Because people rely that you will stay the same forever.
By fooling their mind, you can hide in plain sight.

And if you look proffessional doing it. You can also take anything you want.

Like a bike.
Or IKEA furniture.

Faulty grammar and spelling errors here. (Please don’t nag me for this, I’m tired, but I had inspiration, so I had to write it down.)

So I have for the first time in my life spent some legal time at a bar with a friend. 
Which has absolutely nothing to do with I’m about to write, I just thought you wanted to know it is now legal for me to get drunk and cause myself lung cancer.

What I’m going to say is. Inspiration and Timing.
Where do I got my inspiration and when? Well, not when I’m trying to write or paint, no matter if it’s satire or dead-serious shit. The inspiration never comes to me when I want it. Instead it decides to attack me…

• …In the shower

Feeling the warm water beat the living hell out of my wounded body somehow gives me inspiration (I’m often wounded, burn marks, cuts, bruisers… I’m clumsy). So there I am with a fluffy cloud of shampoo in my hair and some of it making its way right down to my eyes, and when I feel the stinging pain from shampoo mixing with salty tears I suddenly get inspiration for an awesome thing I want to do or something I should write. But then I get busy trying to clear my eyes from shampoo with the help of calcareous water, 42 degrees Celsius too, mind you. So not only do my eyes sting from ultra “I wanna slaughter your damaged hair” shampoo and tears, but now also from hot water pouring out from what could be limestone pipes.
And to top it off, while screaming in ultra pain and searching for help in blindness, I forget what I wanted to do and the inspiration fades.

• …In the bed

I’m the kind of person who stays awake until I collapse. I hate sleeping and I absolutely hate lying down. Hard world I live in. So when it comes to sleeping for my part, I just fall down on the bed and fall asleep, as simple as that. Any day, any hour, for any duration of time. I change my clothes when I wake up though, wouldn’t want to wear the same clothes for an eternity. (Yes, I sleep in my clothes, I’m way to tired to take them off when I want to sleep) 
But then sometimes as my head hits the pillows, a sudden urge to stay awake a little longer and write down an awesome idea nestles itself in my brain. High, drunk and sleepy from to much caffeine and nicotine I just haven’t got the strength to remember or write down the idea.
However I try to stay awake for as long as possible so I “can see if I want to write it down later”. Of course that can’t be done. I fall asleep, and I forget.

• …In the car

I’m not a driver, I’m a passenger, but that doesn’t simplify the fact that when I get inspiration somewhere that is not in front of the computer or a bunch of papers, I forget what the hell it was I found so good/thrilling/inspiring and return to my melancholic self.
I DO have a cellphone on which I can write down the story and Idea. But I’m way too lazy for that, and my pride would never let me talk it in to the phone because, *gasp* others can hear.
Wouldn’t want them stealing my idea, right?
Nope, so it dies as the humming sound of a breaking motor devours them.

• …When out with friends

What? I have friends? 
Anyways.
Whenever I am out I get ideas for awesome things to do / write / paint. I usually share them with one or two of my friends, but they tend to forget as well.
So there we are, having a good time, slaughtering our lungs and brains with nicotine and alcohol, and for some very odd and strange reason my inspiration fades. Right down in the gutter. The next thing I find myself doing is trying to get my shirt back on after visiting the bathroom. Why did I take my shirt off?

I have no idea.

Not a single one…

• …Anywhere where I have no means of writing it down

It’s frustrating to be a part of a social life when you can’t be unsocial in the social gathering… You know?
I usually carry with me a notebook and pen for these reasons, gotta be able to put it somewhere, right? Well, at most occasions I forget it though. Or I’m just too lazy to check if it’s there. 
Anyways, in the middle of a mosh pit (a place where -often- drunk -but always- idiots crash in to one another while listening to high paced music) I realized I wanted to go skydiving. At least I remembered what it was this time… After I spent all my money…
Then I found myself not wanting to sky dive…

• …While engaging in more intimate activities

You’re kidding me, right? Out of all these times.
When f*cking must be the worst time to get inspiration. 
It has happened to me quite a lot of times and it’s so irritating, because all of a sudden I can’t think about WHAT ACTUALLY MATTERS AT THAT TIME and start thinking about how much I want to write instead.
Once I had such a good idea that I left to write it down. I’m glad I did that though, because now I’m working on “In a Nightmare, Darkly” and it’s turning out great.



So what do we learn from this? Either: Don’t get inspiration and live a dull grey life. Or: Carry with you a f*cking notebook at all times and at any cost, even when skydiving. And if no means to write down thoughts are available, you can pee them down in the snow if you’re a guy. If you’re a girl… well… I can just say, poor you, and good luck next time you’re a sperm.
























And on a side note to that statement, I’m sorry girls, I like you.

Hotmail -VS- Gmail

Okay, so deep down you know you hate everything and just wish we were back in the good old days where a bus ticket only cost one cent and you could buy an ice cream for a fourth of that price.
But let’s be realistic, we live in the “future” and corporations and other shit wouldn’t manage if we didn’t have our “trusty” email providers. The big businesses have intern emails. But some rely on hotmail or Gmail. Here is the obvious reason why you should chose the latter. 

• Deleting a message/mail

Hotmail:

Check box, see that box isn’t checked. Check the box again. The third time’s the charge. Find the hidden and almost invisible “remove” button that is sometimes located at the bottom and sometimes located at the top, click it. Realize that the box has been unchecked again. Check the box, click remove. Go to “removed” folder, check the box, click remove.

Gmail:

Check box,click the obvious “delete” button.

• Writing a message

Hotmail:

Find “Send new” in the sidebar, go through the contact check and click “skip” (if you haven’t got the email in your contacts list yet). Or select contact from contacts list.
Write subject, write content, want to attach a file? NO! YOU MUST NOT DO IT! DO NOT DO IT IT WON’T WORK
Click “send”. See the “add to contacts list?” Window, push yes or no, after this, your message will be sent.
You will constantly be reminded that you sent a message to “example555@hotmail.com” until you add it to your contacts list or until you’ve torn off enough hair to decide to use gmail.

Gmail: 

Click obvious “compose email” button in the sidebar, write contact, subject (optional) and then content, if you’d like, you can also attach a file.
Click send when you’re done.

• Replying to email

Hotmail: 

Open mail, click “reply” get taken to a slowly loading new page where you write your content. 
Click send, get reminded that “example555@hotmail.com” isn’t in your contacts list, want to add? Yes/no - send message. Get arrival confirmation.

Gmail: 

Open mail, write reply, send.

• Marking spam

Hotmail: 

Check message, go to menu, click “mark as spam” repeat until it’s properly done. When the message is marked as spam, delete it-

Gmail: 

Check message, click obvious “report spam” button.

• Unmarking spam

Hotmail:

Go to “SPAM” check message, slide open menu on the top right, click “not spam” go to inbox, click unmarked spam mail to open it, click the warning, see content.

Gmail: 

Go to menu, “more” SPAM, check message, click obvious “not spam” button.

• Seeing sent mail

Hotmail:

Find “sent mail” check the box, click open, click “show content” click warning, open mail, check mail, prevent deletion from pressing send again.

Gmail:

Press “sent mail” in the sidebar, open sent mail to check.

• Saving messages

Hotmail:

Click “save draft”, name the draft, chose which folder you want to save the draft in, verify save, save to notepad for secure reasons, find save deleted.

Gmail:

Message is saved every other second.

• Adding contacts

Hotmail:

Press “contacts” manage your way through your contacts list, find the “add contact”, push it, again, a third time, wait for the slow loading, push. Write in EVERYTHING to be sure you find YOUR friend, click done, a message is sent to the contact asking them for permission for you to be friends with them, await answer. Be denied being a stalker.

Gmail:

Press “contacts” press “add contact” write mail - everything else (if available) will show up.




Winner: Gmail

I’m serious… I’ve never been so happy. Or well, once, when I was eight and we were going to a circus, then I cried happy tears because I had always wanted to go to one but we could never afford. Sadly, there were no tigers, bears or elephants there… just kittens, dogs and a parrot… And a guy falling off a trampoline.

Anyways, this time, I also cried happy tears. Why?

Because I received the best gift ever.

And this will sound SOOOOOOOOO Cheezy! 

I saw my mom happy, really, genuinely happy, and I haven’t seen her like that for a while. 

She was so happy, the man she loves, her two children, gathered by the table for once. ONCE. Me and my brother are almost never seen in the same room, let alone sitting by the same table… It was years ago that happened (not even last Christmas)

And those of you who have been with me for a little longer, you know how much my mom means to me, and how much I love her and adore her for everything she has done, hasn’t done, for everything she is and isn’t. She is an AMAZING woman and I want her nothing but the best things in the world.

She was so happy. So incredibly happy. 

And it almost made me cry… I still makes my eyes tear up. Because thinking of her, and all the downs she’s been through, seeing her happy really filled my heart.

She is so strong and so powerful.

I love her so much, she’s really a role-model, someone to REALLY look up to.

Yeah… Just wanted to tell you that EVERYONE in my family is HAPPY today! :D

What I got:

Turtle neck shirt (YESS!!!)

Hoodie (YEAAAHHH!!!!)

Lamb wool shirt. (;_; <3)

Vacuum cleaner. (Because I wanted one, yes… now I won’t have to buy one for when I move! :D)

A BEAUTIFUL hand painted cup and plate, I’ll post a photo tomorrow.

Another cup thing…

Candy from five different people.

Eh… soap… and deodorant… (I’m not… NOT taking it as a hint… Okay, I am… but hey, now I won’t have to buy shampoo and stuff for another month! YEAH!)

A beautiful bracelet from mom… will post picture tomorrow…

A Pyjamas.

A Painting from Julian <3

Aaaaaaaaand a teddy bear from Julian.

Oh, and a little money…

(I don’t know what different countries do, but in Sweden it’s kind of a tradition to tell people what you got for Christmas or your birthday, or any celebration that contains gifts. Because we are curious fucks who are afraid to ask something more than two times. I’m not bragging, just telling, because that’s what I’m used to do. Just wanted to make our possible cultural difference sure for you guys.)

Today I went to the store with mom, I wanted honey melon and went searching for it. Instead I found this weirdest fruit, imported from China. I decide to look at it a bit. “Honey Pomelo” Okay, I thought. And said I wanted to buy it, you should always try new things, so why not?
Well, we put it in the basket and finished shopping, then went home (duh). After a snack and an emergency Christmas gift for my friend, I decided to taste the Honey Pomelo (Which I found by the melon section, btw)
I looked at it for a while, slightly confused. Then I decided to wash it off, because I learned from a TV program that when you slice fruit, whatever is on the outside will follow the blade to the inside.
After carefully rinsing for a good three minutes I decided it was time to dry it off and cut it in pieces.
I had no idea what this thing was, even less how to eat it. Luckily the ribbon around it had an instructive trail of pictures which I gladly followed.
I thought I would be faced with some sort of melon, but when I split the fruit, I was surprised to see something that looked like lime/lemon colored fruit flesh. Big pieces, as if there was an orange hiding in there all this time.
Even more confused, I kept slicing the humongous fruit and made sure to remove those bitter pieces around.
The first taste was weird. Reminded of some sort of berry. Then I realized what it tasted like.
A mix between Litchi and  apple. Green apple, but sweet.
Completely puzzled, I just stared at the fruit which I had so delicately sliced up in perfect bite sized pieces.
And I told myself:

“This must be the weirdest fruit ever” 

So, wanna recycle? Don’t.
You can use your shit for way longer than you think.
Got an old computer you don’t use?

Turn it on and you have a heater. Put a cup of cold tea on it and you have a hot cup of tea after a little while.

Books you don’t read and/or are too lazy to throw away?
Makes for excellent emergency toilet paper. Great table/chair support. Great temporary table and even door stop. The use of used books are endless.
(Not to speak of how great they are to throw at stupid people, then telling them to keep it because they might need to learn how to read…) Also, you can start fires with them to heat something up… be careful with that though, Hardback books smell bad when the inking is burned.

Broken speakers? Nope, that’s a table.
And if they’re strong, it’s also a chair.


Got a broken chair?
It’s a wardrobe now.

Got a copious amount of PET bottles and/or aluminum cans? 
Cut the bottles in half and you have a glass, cut the bottle in half, pour honey in it, use the tip and put it upside down in the “bottle” and you have a fly-trap. 
Use a can opener to remove the top “lid” of the can - A drinking glass.

Bought pizza? 
The pizza cartons are actually great shelves, if you clean them out properly - you can use water and then let them dry under pressure for a few days - you need only find somewhere to place them, unfortunately you need shelf holder thingies, BUT THERE IS SALVATION FOR THAT TOO.

Coat hangers. 
By smashing coat hangers in to the wall you have a strong, nice and rather weird looking shelf holder thingie, a hook thingie or just a good excuse to stay at home - (because people will think you’re insane when they see your pizza carton coat hanger shelves) 

You can also use the plates and bowls that comes with the TV Dinner and fast-food you buy to heat up.


Old socks? 
If they’re clean you can use them as cold protection on your electronic things (or d*ck, you decide).

An old stereo that you’re going to throw away?
MAGNETS! THERE R MAGNETS IN THERE! TAKE THEM OUT FIRST.





Of course you could give the shit away fro a good cause though. But that’s not as fun as having your wall full of pizza carton coat hanger shelves and chairs of speakers attached to your fridge with ultra strong magnets from your broken stereo system that is now a container for old books as well as a shelf built from the stereo itself put on top of some old books.

And just imagine how fun it is to have a party where everyones glass is an old aluminum can?! 
















(From my LJ “gotthatwrong”)