GutFuck?

Mom’s stealth and “hiding things” skills are equal to those of an elephant in a shopping mall. At first you think maybe it’s supposed to be there and you think no more of it, then you realize it’s trying to hide and you get really confused and wonder where it came from… Anyways, thats how I discovered my birthday gift…

“Good thing you brought your dog”

What if a ship loaded with timber goes under but the timber floats and then the crew builds a huge raft and rows to their goal and get an honorary title or something for being brave and creative?

I can’t even handle a game character running towards me/the screen without freaking out.

Having been through this makes me realize how awful it must have been for someone who have been put through it “to the end”.

Mom stood behind me and touched my shoulder… now I’m scared of her and don’t want contact.
My friend hugged me, now I flinch every time he reach out to do it again.

I can’t forget the old mans voice…

“Good for you you had the dog with you” 

It feels like I throw everything good away because of the things that have happened and are happening.
I have all these great opportunities but other things keep pulling me down.

I have so much potential to completely mend myself and fix my life. I have so much power to change this, instead I fall down in grief.

I’m stronger than that.
I have dealt with these things before, and it gets easier each time. However sad that may be, that it gets easier to handle this… death and what you could call treason. I have lost so much.
And I don’t want anything else taken away from me.

People I trusted, people I loved. 

It’s not worth it… 

Whoring out about my envy:

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I think it’s because we see the past in each other that we try to take distance. 
I see our father’s features in him, he sees our father’s disease in me.
One would think we could at least try to get along… But there’s nothing left to do, we have tried everything. 
I simply can’t forgive him for all the things he has done to me.
He can’t forgive me for what I have done to him.

It’s a matter of perspective, really. I know I’ve been awful towards him, but I also know that he has made my life a hell not worth living.
At least it was, until I moved.

I’m so much better now.

While he still rots away in his idiotic pride, too stupid to ask for forgiveness I surely wouldn’t give him, he earns nothing of the sort. He has done me wrong, he has said he was sorry, but he did it all over again, so why should I forgive him once more? He had his chances.

He messed up too much.

I won’t be there for him anymore.
Does hatred for your brother’s run in my family?
I guess it does.
I’ll never forget my uncle’s relieved face on my father’s funeral, nor his despicable words. “I’m glad that idiot is finally dead”

I hope I’ll at least feel some sorrow if I outlive my brother, just to comfort myself in the fact that he wasn’t entirely lost to me. 

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(This might seem like a small thing, but you know nothing about what he has done to me MY ENTIRE LIFE.)

I’M the one who has to do everything, I am the one who has to make sure everything is fine. Because that DIPSHIT in the other room is playing WoW again, and he yells at me for every fucking little thing I do, both good and bad. 

“Didn’t you tell mom her phone rang?”

“Yes I did”

“Well obviously you don’t understand that you have to get up and tell her!” 

WELL I AM SORRY?! I WAS BUSY?! You know, WITH MY WORK?! If It’s SO FUCKING IMPORTANT for mom to answer her phone, then either YOU get your shit together and tell her since you stood RIGHT FUCKING NEXT TO IT, or, since you’re a rich ass capitalist, why don’t you pay for hearing aid for her?! THAT OUGHT TO HELP?!

Or, I know. Why don’t you just get your ass up from that game and actually DO SOMETHING?! Like the dishes, mom told you two days ago! OH GOD I GET SO PISSED.

EVERY SINGLE THING. Didn’t take Bosco out on the usual time because it’s a fucking STORM out there?! I’M AN ASSHOLE because Bosco AND I hate to get wet in the rain! WELL THANK YOU FOR YOUR LIMITLESS UNDERSTANDING, BROTHER.

I thought I might get some rest from what happened by coming here, clearly, I was mistaken. Well so long you shithead, when this trip is over, I swear to god I’m never staying the night again as long as you live under the same roof. Fucking piece of shit.

Some things I do… or rather… don’t do, are seriously shit and I deserve a slap in the face and a kick in the nuts. 

It feels like I’m letting everyone down, like I’m a sucky friend and can’t be there for people.

One of my friends is moving soon and I really, really enjoy his company, he brings out the rascal in me and we have so much fun. He’s moving quite far… well… not THAT far. But being broke students we haven’t got the money to see each other that often. Today he asked me to come over to his place (He’s got social phobia so he rarely leaves alone)

But I have chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia, I’m so fucking tired all the time that I can barely walk my dog, my apartment is falling to bits and I’m too tired to even swipe the floors.

I know it’s not my fault, but I feel I’ve let everyone down and that I’m the one doing everything wrong.
And it makes me so damn sad I don’t know what to do. 

Thanks for reading…

No matter what I do, I’m JUST NOT GOOD at doing the dishes. I realize that now when I use a frying pan which I three months ago fried fish sticks in, to fry pancakes… And I can just say… one wouldn’t think I’m making pancakes… some delicious fish dish though, that’d be agreeable. Maybe I should top the pancakes with fish sti-

Stop right there.

Slap me.

Seriously, slap me…

 

NO! STOP!

If you were me you’d do EXACTLY as I do.